Thank you Mister the Mediator
by homson
Summary: Jane and Maura are married and have couple issues, they need the help of a mediator.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

 _Thanks to kilgirlie for beta reading._

The mediator was watching intently both women, since they had introduced themselves they hadn't utter another word. He could already tell that they were very much in love, the quick glances and little gestures, even involuntary, showed him a profound affection and care from each women. Regardless, he could also feel some tensions. Maura seemed angry and hurt while Jane seemed sorry and guilty.

" I don't really know how to explain this," Jane began hesitantly, passing her hand nervously through her hair. "At first it was innocent enough, I never thought it would lead to this … Maura told me to be more open, to expand my horizons, and… I don't know, I had a moment of weakness, with everything I see in my work maybe I needed something different… "

"Don't make it sound like it's my fault Jane," said Maura, seething." You knew perfectly well what I was talking about! Culture, visiting new countries or for you to be more imaginative and wild in bed. I never thought you would do this to me! " Maura shook her head and looked outside, continuing to ignore Jane.

Jane looked sadly at Maura, since the big fight her wife didn't want to be near her. She missed her kiss, her touch, holding her in her arms, or simply talking with her. She wanted to hear her laugh at some lame jokes, god she loved her laugh, she really missed her Maura.

" Take your time , start at the beginning," the mediator calmly said to Jane

" Ok, ok, I can do this ," Jane took a deep breath to calm herself . "I was working on a strange and difficult case . I'm a detective and I had to consult with someone to help me. The person I met was really nice, sweet, easy to talk to , something immediately clicked between us and..." Jane stopped, lost in the memory while Maura became even more closed off, her posture more rigid.

The mediator sighed softly, again a case of adultery, he knew he should be impartial but it was hard to not feel compassionate for the wronged party. He looked at Maura gently while saying "Go on," to Jane.

"Then she introduced me to other people. At first i thought I wouldn't like it but…" Jane once again became lost in her memories.

An orgy, how wonderful, so adulteries, as in plural, this was a first for him. The mediator was unsettled, his eyes a little wide .He wasn't sure if he could fix a problem like this. He watched Maura sadly, wondering how could this beautiful and nice lady stay with a woman like that. Love was really a powerful thing but sometimes it was frightful. To top it off, Jane cleary wasn't done talking; what else could he expect? This work was tiring.

"Please continue," said the mediator a little more hesitantly, trying to keep his tone professional.

" There were some cute animals, too. I think it's what finally convinced me to give it a try, to join them, I love animals… "

Oh my god , this woman had no shame at all, thought the mediator, while nervously cleaning his glasses. He needed a vacation after this, to get away for a while . "Go on," he finally whispered.

" Some were wearing some alien costumes, it was funny but in a good way…"

Ok, he was definitely way out of his league. At best he could recommend a good psychologist for the strange woman and a good divorce lawyer for the lady. He would have to talk with his colleagues about this new kink, form a discussion group, maybe write a paper.

"Anyway they changed my way of thinking…"

"I bet they did," grumbled the mediator under his breath, while thinking about what he should write in his paper.

" And after that event, I became a firm alien believer and a member of the ufo research organization." mumbled Jane, a little embarrassed.

Yeah, yeah, just get out of here I don't want to hear anymore thought the mediator, wait, wait, what?

" An alien believer?" asked the dumbfounded mediator.

" Yeah the group was really nice and convincing, we talked a lot and they had a lot of proof," said Jane with enthusiasm.

Maura, who had been silent for a long time let out a scoff, "No scientific proof, there is nothing to test, no samples, it's completely imaginary, I can't believe you could be so, so credulous!" said Maura angrily.

"Just because it's not scientifically proven doesn't mean it doesn't exist!" said Jane offended. Maura maintained her a glare but turned her head, ignoring her wife once again.

" Well it's what start our fights and now we need your help," finished a sheepish Jane.

" Worst you had to buy this monstrous giant alien and put it in our living room. Then you made Bass watch Independence Day several times dressed with this weird alien outfit. You even took him out to an event without even asking me!I saw the photos on internet!" Maura mumbled angrily.

" Bass was happy to come with me to the alien convention, he was a proud mascot, everyone loved him!" defended Jane.

So it was infidelity with a guy, the mediator thought, after all he knew his job, even if this one was weird. A mascot? Probably some fetichism or bdsm, he could still write a paper.

" Never again, Jane Rizzoli, you will never take my tortoise again to these meetings. Who know what could have happened to poor Bass, they could have taken him and done who knows what to him!"shouted Maura, furiously.

So she was cheating on the lady with a tortoise, how original! It was a truly unique case, he could do a study, maybe even get a book out of it.

Jane looked at Maura incredulously, "Could it be… You are jealous! Jealous of Bass! "

Maura scoffed, "Of course not!"

Jane watched Maura, knowingly, "Maur, your hives. You should have told me. I would be very happy if you'd come with me."

" I didn't want to offend your new friends, you know I don't believe in any of it and I can't lie." said Maura, worriedly, while massaging her neck.

" I don't care Maur, I would like for you to come with me. If they aren't happy with it , it's their problem. You are the most important person in my life, I love you, Maur." said Jane with a gentle smile.

« I love you Jane and I'd be happy to come with you the next time," said Maura, her eyes teary.

After a kiss, they thank the mediator profusely for helping them so much. Of course he told them that it was normal, he was just doing his job after all. Now, he had a book to write!


	2. Chapter 2

_Disclaimer: I own nothing._

 _Thanks to Shinata-Riyoko for beta reading._

The mediator could tell from their body language that both women were anxious, one woman couldn't sit still on her chair, moving her legs and rubbing her hands nervously, while the other was stubbornly looking at her lap, sighing whilst readjusting her dress from time to time.

"Maura, please, you know how much help he was the last time, you can't keep going on like this." pleaded a worried Jane.

" You don't understand, Jane! I don't have any problem; it's you who made it sound like a problem! I'm perfectly fine!" Maura replied, glaring at Jane.

" Just talk to him, please, for me?" Jane asked gently with soft brown eyes.

" Please, you don't have to feel pressured, I'm here to help, but I will never make you do something you don't want to do. Just talk if you want to, if not, we can wait until you're ready and do this another time." The mediator interjected gently.

Maura looked angrily at Jane and finally sighed, resigned; she gave a small nod and returned her eyes to her lap, beginning her story.

"My childhood wasn't the most…pleasant. When I was younger, I didn't have friends because I was socially awkward. While I was working hard to be a doctor, I needed something to release some stress. At first I wasn't buying much, but maybe it's too much now? I don't know, I come from a rich family and for me it's fairly normal….", Maura was frowning, she didn't want to talk about this, she still didn't see how this was a problem, but she promised Jane to at least try.

The mediator sighed, rubbing his eyes tiredly, of course, drugs. Rich people… He couldn't really blame her if she was using more drugs, with her wife…. But, well, he wasn't here to judge.

"Go on," the mediator encouraged lightly.

"Before meeting Jane I already had a good collection, they make me feel elegant, more sure of myself, more secure. I love showing them off when I'm going out and meeting people, and I was frequently buying new ones to improve my mood when I was feeling down." said Maura

So she wasn't just a user but a dealer too, great, and they were both working for the police. Should he report her? It wasn't ethical, but well….

"Go on," the mediator said absentmindedly.

"When I'm stressed I need to buy more, to try some new ones. Lately some investigations and family problems have stressed me out a lot. When I told Jane I needed more space and that maybe we should buy a new house, I was trying to make a joke, to use sarcasm, but she took it seriously and we had a few fights, then she asked me to come with her to meet you." Maura said, still feeling a little vexed.

My god, this lady wanted to expand her business, to become a bigger dealer, maybe start some sort of cartels. He had to do something, he couldn't let this happen!

"What exactly are your 'family troubles'?" asked the nervous mediator.

"I'm adopted and my biological family caused me a certain level of anxiety, my biological father is Paddy Doyle and I just found out that I have a half sister from my biological mother side who is ill and I can, and want, to help her, but it's what started our fights. Jane is worried about me. All of this can make a very stressful situation, I needed some stress relief."

The mediator shrunk in his chair, deadly pale, trembling and sweating. Paddy Doyle! Now there were no more doubts, the apple never falls far from the tree after all. Telling the police was definitely out of the question, he didn't want to be killed. He had underestimated the woman in front of him; she had fooled him with her charming little act. God, what else could she be doing? Racket, kidnapping? Probably murders too! She wasn't just any criminal, but a criminal mastermind. He had to tread carefully; his life was at stake here.

"G-go on," said the mediator, voice trembling slightly from fear.

"I really don't see how this is a problem! I just like shoes! Buying news ones make me feel better, but Jane thinks I should restrain myself! "

Right, you can name them anything you want, but they're still drugs. What was she calling murders then? Socks? These gangsters really have their own language that only specialists like him could understand. He could send her to rehab to get some help, but god no, it would be too dangerous for him! It would tell them he understood everything! Maybe send her to a support group for shopping addiction? Play it safe like he believed her false story? Yes, if he wanted to come out of this meeting alive he didn't have a choice.

"Maura, I don't want you to stop doing something you like. I just want you to do it with a little more moderation. I love you, Maura, but with everything that's been happening to you I was really worried, and I still am, That's why I thought you were serious about the house, I thought you had lost it, I'm really sorry." Jane said softly whilst tenderly taking Maura's hand.

" I can recommend you to a group who will help you with your compulsive shopping." The moderator added slowly, choosing his words carefully.

Maura sighed and watched Jane silently; she then gave her a tender smile whilst kissing her hand "I wasn't serious Jane, but maybe I've gone a little overboard. You know I don't really understand those feelings, I don't know how to deal with them. I don't know how I should react in this situation, but yes, I will go to this group, maybe it will help me to understand myself better while observing other people. I'm sorry, too. I love you. "

They kissed and once again thanked him profusely, he was very stiff while they were thanking him, the smile of gratitude from the woman sent shivers down his spine, with a big false smile and a little tremor in his voice he told them it was nothing. Before the door of his office was closed, he heard one last thing," I will be wearing a new pair tonight, nothing else, just for you." He fell into his seat, breathing heavily, his hands trembling. What a dangerous job! What was it with this couple? They were both nutcases. What kind of drugs were they going to try tonight whilst having sex? No, it doesn't matter, it's not his problem anymore, if they ever need to talk to a mediator again, his secretary will refer them to someone else, he was done! He felt relieved after making this decision, knowing he would never see or hear from them again.

A phone call made him wake up out of his daydream; he smiled after seeing the number, talking to his wife always helped him, it made him forget his work's troubles, he picked up the phone.

" Hello, how are you? "

"..."

" Not at all, I'm happy to hear your voice, I've had a rough day at work. "

"... "

" I'll be ok, just need a little time, you know my job isn't easy."

" ... "

"Yes, I remember, our son wants us to meet his girlfriend tonight. Don't worry I won't be late. I can't wait for tonight, it will really take my mind out off things. What was his girlfriend's name again? I don't remember. "

"..."

" Ah yes, Cailin, a beautiful name! Love you, too, I'll see you tonight. "


	3. Chapter 3

_Disclaimer: I own nothing._

 _Thanks to Shinata-Riyoko for beta reading._

How did it come to this? What did the mediator do to deserve this? He was so happy to finally get rid of them! And now, here he was, in their home, having a Christmas dinner with the alien believer and the criminal! With their friends and family! What a nightmare! When Cailin invited them to dinner he should have asked for her sister's name! What's even worse, they'd won over his wife and son, and even he, himself, was finding them welcoming! If he didn't know any better he would have been tricked! These nice and charming people were so good at lying; they were part of the mafia for god sake!

He tried to keep to himself during the dinner; he didn't want to associate with these dangerous people! He even politely refused their gifts, he didn't want to owe them anything, and god knows what they could ask of him after bribing him! They didn't seem to mind, only offering him a polite smile. Fortunately, at least Paddy Doyle wasn't here!

It was almost time for dessert and he was desperately trying to find an excuse to leave without offending them, he'd already tried several times, but his wife told him, in no uncertain terms, that they would stay until the end of the dinner, and now she was glaring at him for even opening his mouth! How could she be so blind! Why was he the bad guy? Him! When all he was trying to do was protect his family from these dangerous people!

The mothers of his ex-clients were calling him in the kitchen, oh my god, oh my god they knew! He would never leave this house alive! He gave one last tender look at his wife and son, a small tear rolling down his check, as his wife and son rolled their eyes at him, as if he was some sort of crazy person. He took a deep breath and bravely went to face his terrible fate.

They were waiting for him with a glass of wine and a stern look on their faces. This was it! He closed his eyes, goodbye my dear, goodbye…and they burst into laughter, making him jump, opening his eyes wide in surprise.

"You really are like what our daughters said, you're really funny!" Angela said with difficulty, still laughing.

"Yes, he is an interesting specimen, exactly as Maura described." Constance agreed, smiling.

"What?" He was completely lost; these people were all insane!

"You really thought that my realist and down on earth Janie was a member of the UFO research organization?" Angela asked, and upon seeing his face, both women exploded in laughter once again, "That would never go down well at the precinct if it was true, imagine a criminal investigator believing in aliens, she would never heard the end of it!" Angela added after a few deep breaths to calm herself.

"What?" The confused mediator repeated.

"You are a joke of a mediator aren't you? Are you even qualified?" Constance wondered.

It made him come out of his shock, how dare this woman question his competence! "Excuse me, I'm an excellent mediator! "

"Right, an excellent mediator! And you never thought it could be a joke?" Constance replied, sarcasm lacing her voice heavily.

"A joke?" asked the mediator, looking blankly at both women.

"He is really something isn't he?" Constance asked Angela with a laugh, "Yes, you silly man, a joke! It should have been obvious to a professional!"

"But, I, but…No! They would have never come back a second time!" He was a professional dammit!

Angela guffawed "And what did they come back for? Shoes? The first time was Janie's idea, I swear she can be so juvenile sometimes, but this time was all Maura, she found you so interesting than she wanted to study your expressions a second time. "

The mediator was shell-shocked, speechless, all his papers, his studies…

"I can see why my daughter found you so interesting" Constance said as she studied his face closely, "you really are an interesting specimen; maybe I'll request a consultation with you! We've taken up enough of your time today, we should get back to dinner."

"Welcome to the family!" both women exclaimed with a wide grin before leaving. The poor mediator was experiencing a harsh dose of reality, knowing he would be the butt of numerous jokes in the years to come.

During this time the married couple had their own little conversation.

Maura sighed and took a big gulp of her wine " You really think it's going to work? I can't believe we have to do this! This poor man, he was only helping us! " lamented Maura softly to Jane.

" Don't worry, it's going to work! I have hidden every aliens related things as well as your shoes and when it comes to mind fucking someone, our mothers are the best! We have no choice Maura, the way he was looking at us… like if we were completely crazy, he would have eventually talked to someone! It was just a bad luck babe, we couldn't know we would meet with him outside of his office. " said Jane gently while taking her distress wife in her arms.

Maura sighed against Jane's shoulder and closed her eyes, letting herself be comforted " I know, I still don't like it but I understand. We have to find another mediator now. "


End file.
